Confronting Reality
I like to play a fun game with my supervisor. I describe a stuck place with a couple to him. He asks, “What about telling them what you just told me?” Then I groan out loud and cover my head with my hands. I call this game, “What about naming what’s really happening, Wesley??”
I’m realizing I have a complicated relationship with reality.
Or to be fair to myself, everyone in the room, including me, knows there’s a good reason something hasn’t been made explicit. There is something that feels risky about naming something clearly.
I am learning there is an art to describing reality, and it’s important to not bring in my own judgement or assessment, but to simply describe what I’m seeing. This definitely takes practice.
This might sound like:
“It sounds like you’re feeling really disappointed in your partner, and no matter what you try, you can’t change what he’s doing.”
“It seems like this is the moment in session where you both feel the worst.”
“I’m noticing you’re being really cautious with your words, and I’m wondering if I’m not giving you permission to say what you really feel.”
“I’m noticing when you start to go into sharing in a venting way, Jane immediately collapses and looks away. Could we look at how this way of relating may be preventing you from getting what you need?”
It is very hard for me to name any kind of “negative” reality. But when I avoid it, it feels bad, too, because now I’m trying to pretend something that is happening is not happening, and I start doing a lot of anxious tap-dancing in session. It takes me a lot of practice to feel out how to be more explicit with what I’m seeing, without coming across as judging or shaming, and including something invitational to keep the action moving in session.
If you want to practice, try watching a tape for about 5 minutes and instead of listening to the content, talk to the screen about what you’re seeing. “I’m seeing him look sad. I’m seeing her shut down. I’m seeing him roll his eyes. I’m seeing them both go into hopelessness.” This is a great exercise that is a building block for attention control and becoming more observational.
INTERNET RABBIT HOLE
My jaw is on the floor with each new level that Beyoncé creates. Anyone else miss shoes? I could watch this series over and over.