How to Get Your Stage 2 Tape
Ok, I know I am being bold with that title! Most of my supervisees are at this place, where they are working hard to get the elusive Stage 2 tape. I wanted to expand on an email I sent them to share with you all. Now, here is my disclaimer - I always get a cold sweat thinking somehow I’m going to get something wrong when I write this concretely about EFT. Please read this know this is my take from what I’ve learned, and someone else could have a different take.
This post is going to be most helpful for someone who has a fair amount of familiarity with EFT, but wants to capture the nuance of Stage 2. If you want more detail, or help with how to do an attachment injury AIRM in Stage 2, please refer to Lorrie’s amazing book.
First, a mini review of Stage 2:
Step 5 - client (withdrawer first) goes into their deeper emotion and core attachment fears. You help bring this into the present moment by either tracking their present moment fear of telling their partner this, or asking questions about if they're feeling it in their body right now. This may take multiple enactments.
*This should feel like in an exercise class when you're like, "Whew, this is tough, this trainer is pushing us. Maybe I shouldn't have had 2 glasses of wine last night. Whew! I am feeling this."
Step 6 - the listening partner gives a deep and heartfelt response, and processes some of their own better understanding of what's been happening. This is more than just, “Yep, I’m here, I’m listening.” You see this partner visibly engaged, looking at their partner, body turned towards their partner. You feel 99% sure that they are emotionally empathetic enough in this moment that they will "catch and reassure" their partner if they take the risk to ask the vulnerable question.
*This should feel like taking a little break from the super hard workout and your trainer giving you lots of encouragement. You're regulating and building security for the biggest lift coming up.
Step 7 - client takes the risk to ask their partner directly for their clear, present moment need for reassurance, "Can you tell me (right now) that I am doing a good job? That I am enough for you?" It's very hard but not flooding for the partner. You can visibly see that this takes a lot of effort for the client to ask. The request is short, so not a client going into a laundry list of what they want to hear more of at home. The request is directly related to their View of Self, so something like, "can you tell me I'm worth your effort?" or "can you tell me I am worthy of your love?" and not, "can you please just listen more to me?"
*This should feel like they are lifting a big barbell, the heaviest weight they've ever tried, that's really challenging but not going to be impossible or hurt them. Like, "Woa, this is SO SO hard, I almost don't want to do this, but I also trust my partner that it's safe enough to try."
DEPTH OF EMOTION
With Stage 2, you are looking for the client to be deep in their feelings of an emotion, but not flooded or over threshold. The feeling should feel personal and internal, where they can name what they themselves are feeling (sad, scared, angry, etc.).
This could sound like, "Wow, I am really feeling this right now. I am scared to even tell you about how inadequate I feel. I feel so scared it's true, and I am not what you really need. Yeah, I've got this pit in my stomach right now." (This is focused internal. The trigger is external, but the client is in their internal feelings)
This would not sound like, "I am just always failing. I can never get it right. And I love you so much, I just so desperately want to get this right for you. I know I haven't always been there in the past but I am trying really hard and will keep trying. I love you. I will always love you." (This is focused external. The client is focused mainly on how their partner views him and trying to get them to view him differently.)
VULNERABILITY IN DISCOMFORT
The Step 5 enactment does involve vulnerability but it's not just about reassuring or talking about love. I think this can be tricky to separate out. Someone can be really vulnerable in telling their partner how much they love and want them, but in Step 5 we're looking to help that person connect with their attachment fears - I'm too much, not enough, not important, not worth the effort, not loved. So if you have a tape of someone just telling their partner how much they love them and trust them, that is really important work and could be possibly the other person doing a Step 6, but it wouldn't likely be a Step 5. Because that would be heartfelt and lovely, but not really a challenging workout of fear and risk that is increasing their tolerance to stay with and express fears, anger, and sadness.
MUST BE IN ENACTMENT FORM
Just a tape of you going deeper with a client might be ok, but what I've heard from trainers a lot is that they want to see these moves in enactment form. A tape doesn't have to show a Step 7, but you would have a solid tape if it's a 5/6 with both partners enacting with each other.
REMINDER
I think a clean Stage 2 is incredibly hard to achieve and get to. I don't think I have hardly any couples that I do genuine, all the way, mutual Stage 2 with. If someone is really entrenched in blame and really sensitive to seeing their faults/contributions to the negative cycle, there are many barriers yet to Stage 2. If someone is not aware of how much they avoid their emotional experience, and are genuinely living in the reality that they don't have these deep feelings, there will be barriers to Stage 2. It takes clients who have had endurance, momentum, commitment, self-awareness, ability to tolerate a new understanding of their relationship, and clarity on what needs will be able to get met (emotional reassurance) and what needs won't (to have the dishwasher loaded perfectly). It’s a lot!
One barrier I see supervisees have to getting Stage 2 tape is a reluctance to accept that their couple is still in Stage 1. We understandably want so badly for couples to be healing and bonding that we can be pushing for deep emotion without the client really being self-aware or organized about their feelings and action tendencies.
The number two barrier I see is not doing enough enactments, so it’s too much like a client doing a Step 5/7 with you versus their partner.
Please, please do not shame yourself if you are struggling to get clients here. You are all therapists who care deeply about helping your clients and feel responsible to help them get there. And, our entire field is still trying to figure out what the best formulas are, and if there even are perfect formulas. I have had clients where I think we did Stage 2 and I found out later one was having an affair during this time. We've got to approach our work with effort but also humility and acceptance that we never know everything that's happening with a client or couple, and we are doing our best.