When You're Stuck as F*&k
This might sound bonkers, but I am starting to really appreciate when I have been working with a couple stuck in their cycle for a long time. I mean, I still fantasize about a giant cocktail as soon as the session starts, but I see the gifts in this place now. It is now a clear signal to me that one or all of the following is occurring:
I have implicitly agreed to an impossible way of working with them
I am sucked into a cycle with one or both partners, and I am avoiding naming something important
I have missed that either or both has a sensory processing divergence (ADHD, Autism spectrum, etc.) —> post on this one next
Let’s break down the first two and see what we can learn:
1) I have implicitly agreed to an impossible way of working with them
Do you have any couples where one has said - “I’m just not addressing that. I refuse to keep talking about this”. Or, “I just don’t see the point of doing this.”
Or they implicitly state they won’t do work by exploding every time something is mentioned, or refusing to adjust the language they use when they speak to their partner.
And then we, the well-meaning therapist, thinks, “Ok, if I make it really safe over time, they will open up, they will want to take more risks.” And then we tie ourselves into knot after knot trying to make this work without being explicit. Or we start trying to gently convince a client of work they need to be doing. Then we co-create the dynamic of having a client who is begrudging about the work, “Ok therapist, you want me to do this so bad, prove to me this will work.”
We need to stop. This is so cruel to ourselves. This creates SO much work for us. And it also doesn’t help our clients. Instead, I’m practicing with reflecting back their conflicting goals.
“So let me share what I’m hearing. I’m hearing you, Jane, say you don’t want to go into any pain or shame from the past. That does not feel like relevant or safe work for you. And I’m hearing you, Diane, say that you are not sure if you can heal without processing some of this pain. I’m wondering if those two ways of working may be in opposite direction of each other, and actually be impossible for us to achieve. What do you all think?"
And let it be a struggle. Let the clients sit with the reality that they may indeed have two totally different ways they wish this could heal. And that we can’t fix that. We aren’t magic. We can certainly ask processing questions like, “Jane, would you want to explore a little about why that’s so scary or intolerable to consider?” But ultimately, we are still reflecting back to the client instead of trying to work around what they give us. Most importantly, we aren’t co-creating the illusion that the therapist can do therapy if two people have opposing agendas.
2) I am sucked into a cycle with one or both partners
This is basically: I am afraid of one of the partners being upset with me so I validate them a lot but rarely challenge them. I don’t really reflect their moves in the cycle.
The antidote here is to practice with saying what I’m scared to say. I practice using compassionate language to reflect what I’m noticing. This could sound like, “I wonder if this is the place where you guys really start to feel stuck and helpless. I think it makes so much sense that we all, myself included, can start venting to our partner when we’re trying to get them to hear us, but actually this venting may totally prevent them from hearing us. Would you be up for trying a different way with me, right now?”
And if they argue back about WHY they are venting/criticizing/etc. you can say, “Yeah, you have a really good reason for why you are trying to communicate in this way. And your feelings are 100% valid. I’m wondering if sharing your feelings in this way ever actually gets you closer to what you want? And if not, would it be helpful if we worked on a different way to share your feelings?”
I have clients I am SO scared to say these things to. I just know they’ll get mad at me, or blow up on me, or feel hurt and betrayed by me. So I can easily get into a pattern of doing really soft work that never asks them to confront their most unhelpful behaviors. So of course, we stay stuck for a long time.
Does reading this bring up any complex feelings for you? And concerns about communicating in this way? If so, let me know in the comments!
I also want to add in the disclaimer that none of what I’m offering will work with all clients. That’s part of the deal - no magic interventions that work for everyone! Only interventions that may have the chance of getting us closer to the client’s goals.