The School of Unlearning
Image from Charlie Mackesy’s brilliant book The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse
Do you ever have these times, like I’m going through now, where you feel like what you don’t know is so much bigger than what you know?
I think this is what it means to be a therapist. We work hard to get really good at models, and then realize along the way we probably forgot to bring ourselves with us. We have to work through so many instincts of fear and aversion to stay connected to clients, that we forget that our intuition and felt sense of the present moment is really important data. This is just how it is, I think. Or at least it is in our current way of learning. That’s ok, though, because we meet people along the way who bring us back to ourselves. We meet people who are just as good at teaching the learning as they are at teaching the unlearning.
It’s hard to unlearn. It can feel scary. Like, do I even know what I’m doing? Do I help anybody?? Am I even doing therapy???
Right now, I’m thinking a lot about the role of the therapist. What am I, really? What am I supposed to be for my clients?
Well, definitely something good, right? A little bit magical, someone so loving they heal their unmet childhood attachment needs and now feel safe enough for self-awareness? Someone who validates them so perfectly they feel totally seen and like they belong in the world? That’s the ideal, right?
Definitely not someone who disappoints them! Definitely not someone who causes them to feel complex feelings towards me!!!
So this is something I am unlearning.
If you are also unlearning, let’s be so gentle and patient with ourselves. Let’s allow ourselves outbursts where we storm into our husband’s office and tell him we are going to quit couples therapy and sorry for all the money we spent on getting this far. Let’s allow ourselves to feel total panic at all the clients we have tomorrow. Let’s allow ourselves time to really prepare for our sessions and recover from our sessions. Let’s allow ourselves time to practice this work. Let’s gently let go of the idea we have magic powers, and we can do this without the client’s buy-in. This will take time to unlearn.