Going from abstract to specific
A place that’s common to get stuck is staying too abstract with clients. When we reflect abstract words and themes, it can prevent clients from getting to the meat of the cycle, and really understanding why they are getting trapped in it.
I stayed too abstract for years, because I was afraid that getting more specific would sound critical, or blaming. Over time I’ve found that clients feel more relief when I reflect specific things they are saying, and we get to the heart of what is a problematic interaction much more quickly.
Here’s an example of an abstract reflection:
“It sounds like when you hear her push, you feel overwhelmed, and shut down. That makes sense. Can you tell her, it’s true, I shut down when I hear you pushing me?”
Here’s a more specific version:
“It sounds like when you hear her get angry at you for forgetting the trash, you feel a mix of guilt and anger. You feel bad for forgetting, and angry at her for talking to you that way. In the moment you stay silent, but she senses that low simmer of resentment over the next day. Can you tell her, I do get angry with you, I know I forget but I also hate the way you talk to me in those moments … “
The abstract reflection isn’t bad, but I imagine the partner’s response would be, “Yeah, I know he shuts down, that’s the problem!” In the more specific version, the partner gets to hear a lot more detail about why their partner stays silent and withdraws even further over the next couple days. It also reflects more accurately both of their lived experiences when the cycle hits.
Deliberate Practice Suggestion:
In your next session, try asking just one specific question about the client’s trigger.
“What specifically did you hear that triggered you in this instance?”
“What was particularly hard for you when this happened?”
“When was the moment you went, uh-oh … ?”
As you try any new behavior, remember that we are life-long learners of therapy, and there are no perfect therapists! We will never, ever hit every note of a session correctly, we can only work on micro-skills that help us improve over time.