Well, I want to write and tell you all about In Session #3 with Lieven Migerode, a trainer from Brussels, but I can’t, because I’m passed out on the floor from how incredible it was. I am so grateful to Rebecca Jorgensen for knowing these trainers and having them on this webinar. I had never heard of Lieven Migerode before today but now I’ll never forget him.
Watching Lieven do EFT was next level. When you see EFT like this, it’s mind-blowing. This is the kind of clinician I think could fix all my couples in 5 sessions. And never get a hair out of place. Meanwhile I’m in there with a screwdriver and hammer and duct tape sweating my buns off trying to get them to see each other. Lieven is the kind of clinician that epitomizes why EFT is categorized as experiential. He is able to give the client the actual experience in the room of coming together in a new way and feeling the love and security in that vulnerable, connected moment.
I’m going to try and describe this session to you, but know that my words are garbage compared to watching him work. Might he be an alien sent from Planet EFT to show us what flawless EFT looks like? It’s very possible. If it sounds like I’m being overly exuberant, I know some of you reading this saw the episode with me and I feel very confident you are nodding your heads in agreement. Part of what was so powerful about this session is that it was a Stage 1, Step 2 and a little Step 3. Since I feel like that's where all my sessions are no matter long I've been seeing the couple, it was especially powerful to see this kind of work in Stage 1.
What was the most evident in Lieven’s work was the power of reflection. Guiding a couples session is such sensitive work. One slight turn of the wheel and you take the couple down a completely different road. Lieven used reflection to slow the process down and guide the process in a masterful way. He was really thoughtful the way he began the session reflecting with them. He was doing a live session with someone else’s couple, so he had the task of establishing alliance and getting to some important parts of the cycle work quickly. And yet he really took his time to reflect back to each partner, especially the pursuer. Almost immediately you could see the couple trust that he was getting them. He reflected with lovely validation and tiny attachment conjectures.
The female pursuer was explaining that she tries to be careful with how she brings up issues to her partner, and thinks about it before hand to see how she could say things to him.
Here, I probably would have done a too-fast reflection. I think I would have just said, “hmm-mm, you try hard not to come on too strong, and you hold back until you can’t anymore,” and continued with the information gathering.
Lieven reflected slowly, “I understand. You have the need to say something … and on the other side, you don’t want to push him away, because you want love to be connected, you want a better connection. And you sense that it can be too much for him so you have to balance this. And so you must always have this idea, “Am I doing it right? Am I doing it right?”
In that one short paragraph, he let her know: I am really hearing you. I hear that you are not a bad person. I hear that you have a tension inside yourself of trying to balance your needs and the pain of feeling like you push him away, or he’s leaving you again. I hear that this anxiety is with you all the time of, “Am I going to get this right enough to not lose this person?”
I love that he verbalized what is such a consistent drum-beat for Pursuers – I’m working so hard, but I can’t get my needs met, and then I'm punished by being left alone. And he phrased it in such a lovely and attachment-oriented way.
At this early stage of learning EFT, I still think of intakes and tracking the cycle as information-gathering. I’m trying to compute and assess all the information I’m hearing to make sure I’m getting who the pursuer and withdrawer is, and their cycle. Watching Lieven showed me what to do with that early information in a totally different way. It was almost like there was a clear pond between them, and Lieven would, with his slow, thoughtful reflections, place what the client said on the pond and then they were all three looking at it calmly together. With his lovely voice, pacing, and presence he seemed to neutralize the energy in the room so just vulnerability and curiosity remained.
You could see them both visibly relax when he reflected slowly to them. It seemed like they knew they weren’t going to have to constantly explain themselves to him. That is such a safe feeling, isn’t it? To feel seen and understood. As an anxious pursuer myself, if things get rocky or I feel like my character is being questioned, I will go into a very verbal explaining/defending mode. But if I feel like there is at least one person in the room who believes I’m a good person, I can hold my center and not defend myself in an anxious way. I wonder if this is what Lieven really wanted us to understand with the power of reflecting. That it is the way to help our couples feel like we get them, we see them, we see that they’re not bad. We help them stay in the process of EFT if we can reflect to them in a way that helps them feel like we believe in their good hearts. If they can trust they’re at least seen by us, they can tolerate a little longer not being seen by their partner.
It was such a privilege to watch this EFT Master at work. Thank you to Rebecca and Lieven for sharing such a jewel of a session with us.
In Session is seven sessions with seven different EFT trainers showing their work and explaining their thought process. Learn more here.
*disclaimer: I was given this course for free in exchange for my honest opinion about it.